You may know me, you may not. For those of you who don't me, I am 25 year's old and diagnosed with 'emotionally unstable personality disorder ' - Also known more commonly as 'borderline personality disorder'.
What is 'emotionally unstable personality disorder'?
'Emotionally unstable personality disorder' is...well exactly how it sounds! It is a psychiatric illness where by we experience intense emotional mood changes that can rapidly switch from an intense high to a depressive low. This is commonly confused with 'Bipolar disorder', which although are very similar in nature, are two separate psychiatric disorders. While there is no single cause linked to BPD, studies suggest that their are certain genetic traits especially those characterised by temperament that have a large impact on developing BPD in early adolescence/adulthood. Developmental factors such as trauma experienced in early childhood when emotional bonds are being formed also play a part along with your genetic makeup - resulting in such personality disorder. Trauma alone is not enough to cause the psychiatric disorder to develop and manifest, but combine the two together and its like a remake of 'the big bang' - explosive!
But what does this mean?
What this means is that we feel emotions on an intense scale with no neutral feeling in between that most would commonly categorise as 'contentment'. While BPD is classed as having 2 mental states, Mania and depressive lows. I personally believe there is 3 states. Mania, depressive lows and that all important in between - numbness. Numbness is the plateau I live on in between these 2 mental states - imagine 'mania' as having all the glorious colours of the world, everything is in high definition, the grass is lime green, the sky is clear and the sun is sparkling and warm on your skin. The 'depression' isn't just 'feeling sad'. Everything surrounding you is dark. You only see in black and white, every look, from every stranger is like daggers being thrown at you. You can feel their eyes burning through your clothes, seeing every scar and silently judging you for all the mental pain you have endured. The light at the end of the tunnel? What light? There is no light. The darkness gives you space to play with your demons, they dance with your innermost fears and pull them out of hiding to torment you. Now for my all time favourite, the 'numbness'. This is quite literally nothingness. Imagine the coldest snowy winter day, you lay in the snow and feel yourself losing touch with your body. Eventually, you can't feel your fingers or your toes, it spreads up your arms and legs and hits your core. You try everything to get the feeling back. You rub your hands together and blow your breath into cupped hands; you curl up into a ball, wrap your arms around yourself and vigorously rub your arms trying to create some warmth. Except there is none. You feel nothing. Sometimes this is a relief, sometimes it brings on despair. Would I rather feel something than nothing? Yes and no. And that's the beauty in the beast. We are the masters of disguise, you will see what we want you to see and anything we don't want you to see will remain behind the wall. This is not done to hurt you, but rather to protect you from our unfiltered, raw emotions. Anyone we allow behind the wall, you better believe you're a significant person in our lives as this can be one of the hardest acts for us.
Why is that different from 'Bipolar disorder'?
Now, as I previous said - Although they are similar in nature, they are two different psychiatric disorders. While 'Bipolar' is also characterised as having manic highs and depressive lows, they do however have periods between episodes in which they can live a relatively normal life and feel 'normal' emotions. The second main difference between the two is that 'Bipolar disorder' is rooted in the brain structure, genetics and family history. Opposed to it being due to the characteristics and past trauma. This allows them to be highly responsive to medication as a form of 'treatment' whereas BPD does not respond to such, BUT their annoying friends anxiety, depression and paranoia tend to respond well to said medication. Another factor in this is how we react to certain situations and environments. Bipolar episodes tend to be more random and less related to to a specific event, unlike BPD that is usually from a hair-trigger response. For anyone who doesn't know what this is (this is designed to be educational and inclusive) a hair-trigger response is defined as 'something that responds or happens easily or without cause'. While this is true, once the response is triggered, it tends to trigger other negative memories or emotions that bring on an episode of intense mania or a depressive low. Bipolar's also experience hair-trigger reactions while in a bipolar episode.
Are you a danger to me?
The simple answer to this question is - no. I am no more of a danger to you than any other person you may encounter walking down the street. There is a common misconception around people with mental health disorders in which we are seen as a 'danger' to the public. Which for the most part couldn't be further from the truth. I know from myself, I am more of a danger to myself than I am to you and here's why. In most cases of BPD due to the nature of the disorder, in which we experience intense emotions we are recognised as being 'empaths'. What is an empath? An empath is someone defined as having the phenomenal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual. Now, this is very different from being sympathetic to someones misfortune or feelings. Sympathy is the ability to take part in someone's feelings, mostly by being able to relate to a feeling or emotion. However empathy is the ability to physically feel that feeling or emotion.
To put it in simple terms - your friend suffers a heartbreak with a partner.
Sympathetic - 'I'm really sorry you're hurting like this, how can i help you?' You are sympathising with their pain and imagining what it must feel like.
Empathetic - There is nothing you can say or do to comfort them..But your heart is breaking for them. You feel the physical ache of their heart like it was your own and it crushes you that you cant stop their pain and take it on as your own.
Signing off...
If you stuck around to read the above then thank you. The point of this is to create awareness around personality disorders and mental health illness's as a whole. I hope you have found this insightful and i would love to hear suggestions on any questions you may have or topics you would like to see me cover regarding my own struggles with BPD/mental health.
Until next time!
Hols
Laid yourself bare with honesty and emotion. Beautiful. Imparting wisdom to those who don't know and solidarity to those who do. X