Trigger warning - If you are feeling emotionally fragile it may not be wise to read at this time. This piece is around self-harm and could be triggering to others.
Again this is not like my other pieces but I felt like it was something I wanted to put out there to help people understand more around self-harm from my own perspective and experiences. This has come from a very tough week emotionally following from my last piece around anxiety. Everyone who has read my pieces so far has been extremely supportive and I can't thank you all enough. You have given me the confidence to talk more openly about these things.
To the girl I used to be. People say that time heals wounds. But its so far from the truth. Time heals the open wounds but the scars remain and they still hurt. Sometimes worse than the wound did to begin with. Want to know why? Because it serves as a constant reminder. A reminder of that time you felt so broken, so lost and so totally out of control in your own mind that you had no other option than to release the anger and despair. You felt so ashamed that you couldn't find the courage to open your mouth and let the words fall out for anyone to hear. You couldn't bring yourself to be vulnerable to anyone and certainly not to yourself, so you let it out the only way you knew how - to physically open yourself up and let part of the pain leave your body. To the girl I used to be, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't have the courage to use your voice and I'm sorry we weren't stronger at the time. I wish you could see yourself now - life isn't perfect, but its easier. Breathing is easier, being is easier, living is easier. You finally found a small voice, I'm not saying you find it easy to talk and be vulnerable but every day you're being kinder to yourself. You're choosing which battles to fight alone and which ones to fight standing shoulder to shoulder with the people who cared enough to try and understand.
Over the years I've heard a lot of things about self -harm. I've been told that my cuts 'weren't that deep' that they know people who have 'done more damage' and that one day I would 'never even know they were there'. Do you know how damaging all of these comments are? Self -harm is and never was about how deep you can cut, how badly you can burn yourself, how hard you can bruise your own body. Self -harm should never be a comparison to someone else's self abuse or used to belittle someones coping mechanism. Self-harm, regardless of how 'minor' or how 'extreme' should be taken for what it is - or what it was. A battle. A battle with yourself and your demons, an addiction to a feeling of partial flying freedom within the mind. A few moments of pure peace inside feeling like some how you have let out the mental pain that was controlling you in those moments and turning it into something bearable - physical pain.
What people don't realise is that every time I see my scars, to me they aren't just 'scars' they are still the fresh raw skin that I abused. They are the burning in every time I shower, the paranoia when I wear shorts or short sleeves. They are they rippled skin that looks aged before its time. Self- harm was never about attention and if you believe that then I am trying to help you understand that it was never was. Self-harm stopped me from suicide, it helped me regulate my emotions in a way nothing and nobody ever could. I cant imagine what it must be like to hear that, but try to imagine what it must be like to feel that. It was never intended to hurt anyone and all I can do is acknowledge that it must have been difficult and apologise that I made you feel helpless in understanding.
I have been clean from self-harm for around two and a half years. It hasn't been easy and some days it still isn't. The things that stop me - the fear of relapsing and being dragged back into the addictive cycle. The fear of people being disappointed or ashamed of me. The fear of being ashamed of myself, And my biggest fear.. The fear of losing myself again. Being stuck in that cycle of self abuse was horrific, To put it honestly. The pain was unbearable but I couldn't help myself. I still crave that feeling but I am strong enough to fight it, whereas before I wasn't.
Sometimes when the urges are really bad, when I can feel the grip tightening on me to grab a blade - I look at the photos. The photo's I took when I wanted to stop, to remind myself one day WHY I stopped and why I should never look back. It makes me sad, but that's okay. It's okay to feel sad reminding yourself of when you were emotionally fragile and it's okay that sometimes its necessary. The road to recovery and living with mental health isn't linear - It's highs and lows, good days and bad. It's accepting that some days you will feel more 'normal' than others and knowing that the bad days won't last forever.
To the girl I am today, I am so proud of you. Do not ever feel embarrassed of your struggles or your fears, they are valid. You've made it this far and its further than we ever imagined, so keep taking one day at a time if that's what it takes. Plan the future you want to have and don't be afraid of what could happen. Believe you will make it, because you've survived the worst you've ever experienced, it can't get much worse that the pain you've already felt, right? So say FUCK IT and live a life you're proud of. Be proud of yourself. Because I wouldn't change you for anything.
Until next time...
Hols
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