Anxiety, episodes, intrusive thoughts and Me.

So this post is a little different from the others. This isn't so much educational but more to create an insight into the daily struggles I have with anxiety which triggers intrusive thoughts that then results in an episode. This post comes with a TRIGGER WARNING.

There's no structure to this post, so if you're looking for some you've come to the wrong place. Today especially, has been hard. I have been in a constant battle with my mind - but not just one fight, 2. I've been fighting a manic episode, while fighting a depressive episode...WHILE THEY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING EACH OTHER! I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is. I am not sure any amount of words will explain it to someone who's never experienced this type of mental battle. My thoughts have been all over the place, skipping from one idea to the next. One minute I'm thinking about going to B&Q after work to get paint to do the living room, the next I'm thinking about all the mistakes I've ever made, Back to looking at shelving online for the stairs and then in the blink of an eye - I'm contemplating self-harm. I've really struggled the last week or so. I'll tell you a funny story, which most of you probably wont find funny...but if I don't laugh at it, ill cry again.

It was pay day and I had written a long list of shopping we needed, mostly all the shitty household stuff that always seems to run out all at once and adds up to a fortune by the time you finish. Jord was working late so I tasked myself with going alone so that it would be done when he was finished and it would give me something to keep me occupied. So off I go on my merry way and I was doing fine..Until I triggered myself (I wont go into what it was, as that's personal and I don't want to share that part of me). I stood and picked at the skin on my arms as I do when I feel anxious and bit my nails - disgusting I know but its how I cope (so throw whatever judgement there might be out the window cos we ain't here for that shit!). I thought I'd sucked it up, until I got to the shampoo isle. Well these mother fuckers had me in tears, and not because getting shampoo in your eyes burns - which we all know it does. No no no. Because I didn't know which shampoo or conditioner to get. I stood on the phone to Jordan with my back pressed against the body wash, letting tears stream down my face silently and I watched people walk past and stare at me.

It was humiliating. It took everything I had in me not to ditch the shopping and just get in the car and hide. But doing that would just be letting my demons win but I am in charge, not my mental health. Or at least I try to be and that's what counts, right? So anyway, I finished the shopping by just picking up my first instinct on the rest of it and not letting the choice consume me. I was proud of myself for finishing the shopping and getting home in one piece.

Today was just as humiliating. I have been procrastinating about calling my GP to discuss getting some support and help with what I think could be un-diagnosed PTSD and overwhelmingly intrusive thoughts that are just relentless. I finally got the courage to call and ask for an appointment to which the receptionist told me I could book one online via their e-consult platform. To which I then had to explain that I couldn't because they don't give an option to tick for it being related to a mental health disorder (really helpful, I know). As if this didn't make me feel awkward as it was, when the doctor did call me, he had clearly not looked at ANY of my history to get a bit of background on my mental health diagnosis. Even though I was given an 'on the day' appointment as it was deemed by the receptionist as urgent due to it being around my mental health AND she had made a note of what it was I wished to discuss - He then proceeded to get me to discuss with him what these's intrusive episodes involved, when I tried to be vague about it he insisted on me telling him exactly what it was. Well, thank you for triggering me for the rest of the day and causing me immense mental pain. Now, for anyone reading this and thinking 'Well its his job to ask questions'. Yes its his job to ask questions, but there was no sensitivity around it when I was clearly distressed and crying down the phone about how I just couldn't get them to stop. Anyone who's been here for the other pieces.. what did we learn from the bit around triggers? We don't push people to talk about it as it can trigger them further! This is why it is so important to educate ourselves and others on mental health and how to handle it.

Intrusive thoughts can be at times - all consuming. Because my brain cant focus on just one thought at a time. I spent 2 hours straight cleaning the kitchen and living room because it was the only thing that could stop the constant fight inside. My mind was focused on picking out all of the things that were bothering me. The smudge on the cupboard door, the tiny splash of sauce on the tiles behind the cooker, the dust on the banister and on top of the pot that keeps the tea bags. All the little things that on an average day you might think 'that's a weekend job', it needed to be done. I had music playing on the TV to help drown out any little remainder of the internal voice screaming at me to pay it attention. It seems both parties wanted time to shine today but neither one quite had the upper hand on what would grab me full force and drag me under. I won. I fucking won. I won this battle, I wont always win, but it isn't about winning all of the time - It's about picking your battles and fighting the ones worth going to war for. It's about saving yourself and not expecting anyone else to save you from yourself. This is small insight into my daily life living with mental health issues.

Together we are strong, shoulder to shoulder we are stronger. But nothing makes me stronger than winning a battle against myself.

Until next time...

Hols.