This is a piece I have put together around the importance of being careful with our words and how they can have a long term impact on people with already troubling perceptions of themselves.
Negative words we've all heard used to describe someone with a MHD
Let's be honest with each other here..at some point in our life we have either seen, heard or been directly apart of using negative words to describe someone with a mental health disorder. Whether it was to their face, behind their back or even 'as a joke' in banter among friends. We need to talk about this and how damaging it can be long term to someone with an already troubled self perception - BUT before you think I'm calling you out, remember this is a safe space to educate ourselves without fear of judgement. I myself have been subject to some negative words along the years, some more hurtful than the others, but all have had a lasting effect on the way I feel about myself and the way I believe others see me. A handful of these are - clingy, needy, attention seeker, crazy, bipolar, overly sensitive, negative, draining and the oh so hurtful psycho. Now some of you may not see these as a negative and/or detrimental way of describing someone, but I am going to tell you WHY it had such a huge impact on me and my relationships in life.
When you are repeatedly told something, you start to believe it. If someone told you time and time again that the sky is green and the grass is blue you would start to question yourself and if what you see/feel are real. Eventually you would avoid talking about the fact that to you, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Well the same thing happens when you repeatedly tell someone that how they feel is irrelevant and invalid. Eventually they will stop talking openly about how they feel about certain situations and build 'the wall'. They will put emotional distance between you and will stop trying to 'reach out' even when they desperately need help. All for fear of being judged. For fear of being seen as an attention seeker or overly needy. For fear of being called a psycho. In some cases, something internally breaks and they start feeling as though maybe they should live up to these 'expectations' you have deemed they are because you have ingrained it into them psychologically. I for myself know that I distanced myself emotionally from people when I realised they fundamentally did not understand how my mind worked, when I could see the frustration in their eyes because they wanted to scream at me to 'snap out of it' and stop being 'negative' all the time. I found other ways to self soothe because I couldn't put the right words into a sentence to make anyone understand how much pain I was in mentally. It left me questioning if I was the issue, was I the reason I was so lonely? It was my fault people didn't like me, because I was 'needy' and 'clingy'. It was my fault that people found me so difficult, because I was a 'psycho'.
I was gas lighted into believing that I was the problem all along when in actual fact, I wasn't the problem and nor was my mental health. The people around me weren't the problem, they weren't/aren't bad people. The problem was the lack of knowledge and education available around mental health. The problem was and still is, that people don't understand the lasting impact these words have on people who already struggle with their own feelings let alone taking on the burden of worrying what other people think of them. People don't realise that words like 'crazy', 'psycho' and 'bipolar' are derogatory terms that minimize real psychiatric disorders, even more so when using it in general conversation to speak about someone who has no diagnosed mental health disorder. Referring to someone as 'bipolar' when they are not diagnosed with such and are reacting to something in an 'irrational' way belittles the feelings and diagnosis around not only bipolar but also of BPD/EUPD people.
Identity diffusion in BPD
Many people who are diagnosed with BPD/EUPD suffer with confusion around their identity. Although many people who don't have mental health issues question their identity, those who have BPD often have a profound lack of sense of self. Identity can be quite a broad term but in essence it refers to everything about someone - gender, sexuality, religion, beliefs, abilities, knowledge and many more things. It is essentially your self definition. It helps you to create your self-esteem, but without knowing who you are how do tell yourself you are worthwhile and worthy?
If you've read my previous piece's you'll remember me saying we are the masters of disguise and you will see what we want you to see. So lets go back to that. We are in a way like chameleons, we can shift ourselves to fit our surroundings so that we don't look as 'out of place' in an environment. While this may seem like it is deceiving, it doesn't change the core of who we are. For example it doesn't change our feelings about someone, it just means that we may change our physical aesthetics to fit in and feel 'comfortable' around them. We find it very difficult to set boundaries and to tell someone when they have broken those boundaries for fear of rejection and losing a relationship we worked so hard to build, so if we 'shape-shift' into the person/aesthetic they desire maybe they will deem us worthy of their time and affection. All in all, we just want to be accepted by others because we struggle accepting ourselves.
Why do people with BPD struggle with identity?
Now they don't know for certain what causes the issues around identity in BPD as very little research has been done on the subject but, what little research there is suggests the following. Your identity is formed based on your own thoughts, emotions, feelings and other peoples reactions to you. As we know EUPD is a disorder in which the person struggles with being emotionally unstable, impulsive and/or erratic and having dichotomous thinking patterns (we will cover dichotomous thinking patterns in another post). When we try to develop our sense of self it becomes very difficult when a persons internal feelings and outward actions are not consistent. If you take into account that majority of people who have BPD have experienced some type of trauma and that we also base our sense of self on other peoples feelings/reactions to us, this doesn't give very good grounds for developing a strong sense of self if we believe other's do not deem us as 'worthy of their love'.
How is this related to the words people use to describe us?
Essentially, the way you use your words defines who we believe we are. I can't make it any clearer than that. We will remember those things for years to come and torture ourselves believing that those words define us. Because we don't know how to define ourselves in an accurate, honest way. We rely on the close group of people around us to help us build our identity and shape who we are. We've spoken a lot about how negative words effect us, so before I sign off lets just briefly talk about the effect of POSITIVE words on people with MHD from my point of view. I will remember every kind thing you said about me. I will remember every time you told me I am strong, because it made me feel strong. I will remember every time you called me intelligent, because it made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. I will remember every time you called me beautiful, because it reminded me having scars is OK. I will remember every time you told me you were proud of me, because that sits with me in my darkest moments and tells me to keep going. To anyone who uses these powerful and positive words to describe us, Thank you.
Signing off...
Third time around...to anyone who stuck around and read the above, Thank you. I have been utterly blown away by the positive response I have received so far and urge you to share these with others if it has had even the tiniest impact on you. If I can help just one person to understand and help just one person to feel less alone - then I have succeeded in what I intended to do.
Until next time!
Hols
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